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Positive discipline can transform a childParental teaching and mentoring help children learn to control their impulsesBy Grania Litwin, Times Colonist January 30, 2010 What: Joan Durrant talk on Child Rights and Positive Discipline Where: Centre for Child Honouring, 291 Long Harbour Rd., Saltspring Island When: 7 p.m., Feb. 4 Tickets: By donation at the door, or at Salt Spring Books. Space is limited. All too often the word discipline goes hand in hand with the concept of punishment. "So the idea of positive discipline might seem odd to some people," says clinical psychologist Joan Durrant. But in her lexicon discipline means teaching, and it's based on building blocks that help children succeed. She believes the key is for parents to identify long-term child-rearing goals, such as providing warmth and structure, understanding how their children think and feel and helping them become problem-solvers. "Positive discipline is not permissive parenting," stresses the University of Manitoba professor in the Centre for Peace and Justice, who is the first guest speaker Feb. 4 at the Centre for Child Honouring on Saltspring Island. The project is being spearheaded by Juno-Award-winning singer Raffi Cavoukian who describes the centre as an educational facility to advance "child honouring." He defines child honouring as "a children-first approach to healing communities and restoring ecosystems." (See childhonouring.org) "I am thrilled to have this honour," says Durrant, "because Raffi wants to address the concept of child honouring in relation to concepts of child rights. I've worked for many years in the area of child maltreatment prevention, and have come to understand it's not just a family or parent issue, but a human-rights issue. "I'm very excited to see how Raffi has managed to take all of the components that are critical in children's health development, and somehow captured all of them in a concise, humane framework. What he has come up with is a thing of beauty. " His term "conscious parenting" is especially profound, she says. "How many of our actions are more impulsive and reflexive than conscious? We get so caught up in short-term stress we lose sight of what we're trying to achieve. This concept was like the skies opening. It's revolutionary terminology. " She says there is a perception that discipline must be either harsh or permissive, but suggests there is a middle road. "Harsh discipline drives children away, and permissiveness doesn't give them the information they need," but positive discipline involves teaching and mentoring by parents, she said. "What do we need when we want to learn new information or succeed in challenging situations? We need the support of people around us. We need to know we will not be hurt or shamed if we make a mistake, and we need information." She illustrates her point by describing a child about to drop a precious ornament. "In the first place, rather than leaving tempting things around, and slapping a child who touches them, keep the environment as safe as possible. You don't want to decrease exploratory behaviour, which the brain needs to develop.... "But you want to help children gradually learn to control their impulses. So sit with them. Hold an object that isn't terribly breakable and explain how special it is. Instead of yelling, 'Don't touch, you'll break it,' which sends the message they are clumsy and incompetent, give them a sense of caring and respect." And what happens if you deliver this lecture and then they break something? "You sit down and do it again. It takes patience and time, just like learning a new language." Think for a moment about your child as an adult, she urges. You wouldn't strike a colleague who made a mistake, or hiss a criticism. She says all too often parents, teachers and lawmakers attempt to address problems after they are full grown -- like jailing a child after they become violent, start stealing cars or join a gang. "Why not build a relationship with the child from the beginning and guide them along the pathway we want them to follow," says Durrant, who co-authored the Canadian Joint Statement on Physical Punishment of Children and Youth and co-edited Eliminating Corporal Punishment, published by UNESCO. She has been a member of the research advisory group to the United Nations Secretary-General's Study on Violence Against Children, and has written two manuals on positive discipline published by Save the Children Sweden. glitwin@tc.canwest.com |
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